I sit here thinking about my past. Not dwelling on the hard things but instead looking back with pride at the growth I have gone through. The times I have said, I am done feeling this way and did something about it.
It wasn’t easy but it was so worth it! The pain I felt while growing was minuscule compared to what the pain could have been had I not done anything.
So many times, I held onto pain longer than I needed to. The fear of facing the darkness appeared to be too much. Too painful. Too overwhelming. Really it was the fear of the unknown. I was never taught how to feel pain to release it. Even psychiatrists and therapists didn’t teach me. I had to figure it out on my own.
It’s funny because I am now learning about alchemy and I realize I have been doing it all along. I am learning more and fine tuning my practice but it is comforting knowing I have the ability within me. And so do you.
I’m hosting a workshop starting March 26 called Lasting Growth 5 Step Workshop. It’s all online and biweekly. I’m excited to share with others the 5 steps I still use to make changes in my life. If you are interested, email me at NikkyNicoleMeBeingMe@gmail.com with the subject Lasting Growth 5 Step Workshop. Let me know you’re in!
We live in a world of right and wrong, black and white, achieve and fail. When it comes to healing we are expected to heal and be done but when we don’t heal, what then? Are we failures?
I felt like a failure after CJ, my third child, was born. Around 8 months, I was struggling with severe postpartum depression. It got so bad that I made the decision to quit breastfeeding. That helped significantly with the postpartum depression but I was still stuck in depression. I felt like such a failure!
See I have worked on my mental health for YEARS! We’re talking over a decade and a half. I should be healed by now. I realized I had to go back to the basics which included releasing the shame I was feeling. I went through the trusted steps I had used multiple times to slowly pull myself out of it.
What I have learned since then, is that healing is a spiral journey. We work through something and then it comes back around. We get a little break and then we are called to go deeper but this time around, you are not going into it the same person as before. This time, you are wiser.
Keep doing the work. Each time it gets easier as long as we do not resist it. It returns to teach us something new. Something we were not ready to know before.
Give yourself grace for not being “perfect.” Remind yourself you are loved and accepted as you are, the journey you are on is an experience to learn, grow, and live.
I saw a shirt that said “It’s fine, I’m fine, Everything is fine” the character on it was definitely not fine. I showed it to Chris and told him I needed this shirt because this is me right now. We both laughed.
I couldn’t get it out of my mind and was thinking about it while driving to work.
“It’s fine, I’m fine, Everything is fine.” “It’s fine, I’m fine, Everything is fine.” “It’s fine, I’m fine, Everything is fine.” “It’s fine, I’m fine, Everything is fine.”
Am I fine? Am I truly fine?
I had to answer myself honestly because “fine” was not the truth. The truth is, I am currently not fine.
I am not okay. And that is okay. I know I will be okay. But today I am not okay.
Life has thrown me another curveball. I will knock it out of the park but to do that, I need to be honest with how I feel. I need to connect myself (the bat) with my emotions (the ball). (See Chris, baseball is rubbing off on me, lol.)
Once I admitted I was not okay, I felt the weight come off my shoulders. I was using so much energy trying to be “okay” and now I was free to use that energy anyway I needed to. Today, it was to get through work.
This is what radical acceptance allows me to:
Accept the situation that has happened
Accept how I feel about the situation
Process my feelings
Handle what needs to be handled with a clear mind
When we try to ignore our feelings, they stick with us longer. The past then follows us and makes decisions for us. This can cause us to be triggered or make decisions that do not benefit us. Eating a whole cake, though sounds fun, usually isn’t so fun once fully consumed.
By validating and processing our emotions, we are able to move forward. We decide how we want to feel about a situation rather than the past deciding for us. It takes work but I find, as soon as I admit to how I truly feel, the healing process has already begun.
I’m not doing so good today. And that is okay. Tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start to play.
I was born and raised and still in live in Northeastern Illinois. I watched has farm fields disappeared and its place popped up shopping centers and homes. More people, more cars, more construction, more chaos. It was city chaos but still enough. So, when I find a place that is quiet and calm and nothing but wide open nature, I embrace it. The woods is where I feel the most at peace. I connect with nature on a level I don’t quite understand but it doesn’t matter.
I’m finding again the things that bring me deep joy and peace. Hiking is one of them. I’m not much of a runner, though I can, I don’t like it. Maybe later on, I will take it up again but walking through the woods is my jam. Even with a baby on my back, I’m in my happy place.
I remember as a kid loving going into the woods off the beaten track and making my own. Climbing over fallen limbs and through brush. I was an explorer. All of my intense emotions disappeared. I was one with nature.
We recently visited Moraine Hills State Park and I am amazed at the beauty that is basically in my backyard. The park was finished in 1976 and has been well kept since. The paths were clean and easy to hike.
With a baby on my back and a dog taking lead, we started out on the Lake Defiance Trail but turned to explore the Fox River Trail. This trail takes you around the marsh, through woods, and along the east side of the Fox River. We saw a lot of people enjoying fishing and Chris was ready to go home to grab his rod and join them.
The beauty all around us was soothing to my soul and had me dreaming of future explorations and taking my camera out on our next trip.
CJ walked for a short period but mostly enjoyed being in the backpack where he took a little snooze. Arms crossed and head down, the sway of Daddy walking lulling him to sleep. Though the trail was smooth and we could have easily used the stroller, I am on a mission to build strength for harder hikes. The backpack will be a lot easier on those explorations.
Our dog Macy was in heaven. The day started out with few people so we let her off her leash so she could explore. Technically, dogs are supposed to stay on leashes but Macy is so amazing when it comes to hiking with us. As soon as we see people, we call her over and out the leash back on or make her sit until they pass us. We eventually kept the leash on and just let it go when there were no other hikers.
We definitely will be back to explore the other trails. Our favorites are the small trails off the main path. Into the woods as though we are explorers. We found some entrances into small grassy trails and will definitely be back to explore those.
It has been a few weeks since the start of 2023 and I wonder how many people already feel like they have let themselves down by not keeping up with their New Year’s resolution.
We set this BIG goal and expect ourselves to keep it without making the changes that allow us to keep up with it. Goals are amazing (I have so many goals) but when we are so narrow minded on how we achieve a goal, it can set us up for failure. Especially if we create a plan using what other people say to do.
So instead of setting a New Year’s resolution, I chose a word(s) for the year. These words are my intentions. What I want to focus on. When I chose them, sometimes I don’t even know how the words will alter my life and sometimes what I thought I would get from them changes. One year I chose abundance, thinking that it would bring financial abundance. I then realized I already had abundance in love from family and friends.
How do we turn the goals we want into intentions so we can make lasting changes?
Let’s take a look at losing weight since so many people tend to have that as their resolution. You decide on day one you will eat a certain way and exercise regularly. It goes good for a week, maybe even a month but then you “cheat” or get sick or get burnt out. That feeling of shame because you couldn’t keep up with it creeps in and then the goal is out the window. You think you have to start all over because it’s supposed to be perfect.
Making a huge change like that can be extremely exhausting and hard to maintain. I prefer starting to change my mindset and then making small changes that add up. That’s why having a word for the year helps me start to focus on where I want to go.
So, if my goal was to loose weight, I would focus on the word health as an example. Then throughout the year, I would start to pay attention to where I could remove things from my life or add things to improve my health. I would start to listen to podcasts, maybe read books. Then I could create a goal and plan that suits my life and then adjust both as needed.
If you decide to eat Keto for the whole year but two months in you realize Keto is not the right diet for you. Now you did not meet your New Years resolution. But, if your word is health and you try Keto as part of your health journey and you realize it is not the right diet for you, it’s not an issue. Staying on Keto would because it is hurting your health.
This year I have three words and you will understand why as I go through them.
1) Minimalism – this is for my life in general.
The reason this word came to me is because I am having the hardest time keeping up with everything. It’s insane! So, I am going to focus on removing things from my life that do not support me as I work hard to meet my goals. This does include getting rid of things in my home. I think we may have a trunk load of stuff that needs to be given away. The more things you have, the more things you have to pick up and clean. It also means more choices.
I am also removing activities like watching Netflix, scrolling social media, playing games. These all have a time and a place but, I was spending A LOT of time doing all of them. Then I would say I didn’t have time to write.
I am also removing thoughts. The only way I am able to get myself to do yoga, make celery juice, or even shower some days is by saying, “we don’t think, we just do.” Seriously, that has become my new mantra. If I were to think about it in the moment then I would not do it especially in the morning. So, I’m removing thinking in the moment and just taking action. As well as removing thoughts of being overwhelmed and any other negative thoughts that do not lift me up.
This is making me laugh as I am thinking about writing this but I have removed how long I am in bed in the morning. I realized, the longer I am in bed, the less motivated I am and the less time I have for my morning routine. The less I do before work, the more depressed and unmotivated I feel. When I get up really early in the morning, I do things that make my body, mind, and soul feel freaking amazing!
To be able to wake up early in the morning, I have to start at night. I am not watching TV unless it is with the kids before their bedtimes. Once the little man goes to sleep, it is time to get ready for bed and then I read a nonfiction or some sort of biography. Nothing majorly exciting, no page turner but definitely well written (I don’t want to waste my time reading something that I am not enjoying). This helps my brain shutdown and I am asleep anywhere between 8:30 pm-9:30 pm. I don’t even need an alarm in the morning when I go to sleep this early.
A very unpopular opinion is removing coffee and all caffeinated beverages. I don’t want to waste time being anxious or not fall asleep at night. It really effects me and is something I have removed multiple times. I find, every time I start to drink coffee, I end up crashing in the middle of the day. To overcome that I would drink more and more until I’m completely addicted.
2) Diligence – for my career
I want to be an author and write so many books but to do that, I need to write more. By removing things from my life (minimalism), I then have more time to write and start my dream business. It’s working! I am starting to keep track of the number of words I write every day.
3) Adventures – for my family
I want to focus on doing more adventures with my family. Time spent together is more important than spending money. This year will be packed with doing different things.
Let me know what word or words you have chosen for 2023.
Depression and trauma can cause a lot of hardships. It affects the mind, body, and soul, causing harm to each of those. Neither have to define who you are or be in control of your life going forward. Will it always be there? Possibly. Do you have to be miserable forever because of it? No!
When I started to take control of my healing (both mental and physical) journeys, I searched online, read books, listened to podcasts, etc to learn everything I could. What I had been taught growing up, was not helping me so I needed to look elsewhere. I listened to anyone’s story who had overcome hardship. I took it all in. But be careful! Not everything is meant for you. Learn everything you can and try it, but implement only what is right for you. Think of who you want to be and how you want to feel in the future to help guide you.
One phrase I heard a lot that I ended up letting go of immediately was “everything that happens to me is my fault.” NO! I will not own that. I understand where they are coming from but they have never gone through abuse. For me, the phrase used to be triggering.
Too many times I was blamed for another’s actions or their emotions. Somehow they twisted the events to put blame on me. The action of another is not my fault. But don’t fall into the victim mindset. It can be so easy to allow that darkness to take over and blame everything on everyone else. The abuse isn’t your fault but getting out of victimhood is something you can do. It can take a lot of time but it can be done.
When I started the divorce process, I told myself, “I will not allow the actions of someone else keep me from having the amazing relationship I know I will have.” I was a bit focused on finding love again but with that statement, I took ownership of changing my patterns and healing the trauma I had faced as well as unlearning what was taught to me growing up. No one else was going to heal the wound within me, only I could do that. So I have rephrased my original statement to, “I will not allow the actions of others to keep me from having the amazing life I know I deserve.”
I am in control of the journey of my life. It isn’t about waiting for something to happen or someone to apologize or change. It is saying, right here, right now, I choose to take the steps needed to create the life I want. You can take ownership of your journey by doing what you can to heal. As soon as you take ownership, you will start to do the things you need to do for you.
Ownership: the state, relation, or fact of being an owner.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary
Your life is yours. No one needs to give you permission to live it how you want to. Take control of your healing journey and work towards a life you want. Once I started taking ownership of everything I did, I noticed I was not wasting energy on paying attention to what others were or were not doing. Do not wait for someone else.
There are so many other areas of your life you can also decide to own but make healing your first step. All of the other things I did that helped me do not need to be done in order but ownership is definitely the first thing you need to do. Because until you own your journey, it can be really hard to not be stuck in the past.
Another time I can vividly remember taking ownership was when I was at my darkest moment before I had my second child. I didn’t want to live anymore, it hurt so much but I had a child who needed their mama. While I was on the floor of the kitchen, crying hysterically (because of a broken tea pot), I finally said I was done feeling this way. I was going to be happy. I started by finding the smallest things that brought me joy. You know what? It worked, even though I was in a toxic relationship, I was able to find joy little bits at a time. I’m talking about the smell of hot tea, snow flakes falling down during winter, the song from a bird in spring.
My snowflake right at this moment hearing the rain outside. Water is life giving. It nourishes and cleanse.
Are decisions we have made throughout our life really our decisions? If you think deeply about it, who we are as a person is partially because of the conditioning of our past. And if we are the conditions of our past then our decisions are made because of the conditionings of other people. A reaction to how we were told taught. So then nothing we have done would technically be our fault.
In those moments then, are we living life or is life happening to us?
In those moments then, are we living life or is life happening to us?
When all of our decisions are due to the conditions of our past then life is living for us and happening around us but we are not truly engaged. What kind of life is this then?
Can you change the conditionings of your past to live a life you want? You most definitely can. I’ve done it once before and I am doing it again.
2023 feels really scary right now because there are so many walls to be torn down. So many things to accomplish and overcome so I can have the life I want. No approval needed. I am an adult with children of my own and still I feel like I need approval to make changes to my life. This fear that I may be doing something wrong. But wrong to who?
Who will I disappoint if I follow my dreams? I have no idea.
Who will I disappoint if I DON’T follow my dreams?
Who will I disappoint if I DON’T follow my dreams? ME! I will disappoint myself. I don’t want to be on my dying bed thinking about the dreams I did not turn into reality.
Today is January 1, 2023 and today I take ownership of my life.
I have done this before, taken ownership. Fear crept in in 2021 and I have had the hardest time getting rid of it. Granted there have been a lot of things happening and in that all was some intense hormones from pregnancy and postpartum.
I am so grateful for all of the mental health healing I have gone through so I could cope with postpartum depression. Now that it is gone, it is time for me to take ownership of my life again and I will do that in three parts.
I will make changes to myself (mental, physical, spiritual, and my home surroundings) by focusing on removing everything that is not beneficial to me. My word for the year to help me in this process is minimalism.
I will focus on doing more with my family rather than letting life happen around us. I want to create more memories rather than accumulate more things. The word for my family is adventures.
By removing things from my life that do not benefit me, I will be able to carve out more time to create the career I want. To publish the book I have been writing and to get my business off the ground. The work I will be focusing on for this is diligence.
Here’s to a new year and to owning the life I want.
I find myself having to go back to the basics and boy is that hard to accept. I’ve done so much work on my mental health that a part of me feels shame that I don’t have it all together right now.
Shame…
We live in a society that promotes perfection but that is not realistic. It’s still ingrained in us. Growing up, shame was used for discipline. Religion uses shame to keep people in line. Shame then brings on fear. Worrying about what others will think of us.
Reality…
I find myself struggling with depression and anxiety. I find myself eating unhealthy which has brought on pain and fatigue. My house currently is a reflection of the chaos that is within me. My life is so unorganized and chaotic. I feel despair, hopelessness, unworthy. I want to hide away from the world.
“Life is a process – just one thing after another. When you lose it, just start again.” – Richard Carlson
The last year and half has been the hardest. The universe has hit me with challenge after challenge. One hurdle after another to jump. Top it off with postpartum depression and coping is hiding away. I’m grateful for the work I’ve done in the past because my self awareness has helped me understand what I’m feeling and why.
“There is no shame in admitting life is hard.” – NikkyNicole
So here I am, ready to do the work, again and go back to the basics. I’m removing shame because there is no shame in being a human. There is no shame in my emotions and how I feel. There is no shame in admitting life is hard. And there most definitely is no shame doing what I know helps me.
Join me on my journey. I will be working on writing more consistently. It brings me so much joy and if it helps someone else, that is a huge plus.
Now, I’m not going to go into everything that has happened this last year. Bits and pieces may surface in coming blogs but I do not like to dwell on the negative. I learn from and grow from the hard times but I hold onto the joy. Others call it gratitude, I call it finding the snowflakes. The little bits of beauty that can be found even in the darkest times.
If you know me, you know I HATE cold weather. My body does not do well when it’s cold and can even cause me pain. We went to Georgia this last summer, during their hottest season. My body felt freaking amazing! We stayed in Savannah for a night on our way to Florida and even though I was sweating from the heat, I felt no pain. I am going to find a way to buy a house down there one day.
Now to get back on track. Cold and me do not mix even though I was born in January outside of Chicago. Either way, when it snows, it brings so much wonder and joy to my soul. Winter is a time of darkness and gloom but snow brings a blanket of light, wrapping us up. Reminding us there is beauty even in the dead cold of winter.
Whenever I hear someone talk about finding things to be grateful for, internally, I push back. I want to ask “What is there to be grateful for?” And then list all of the shit that has happened to me. As I write this, I realized that for some reason, when I think about being grateful, it has to be something big.
“Small snowflakes added together become something big. Look for the small things.” – NikkyNicole
Snowflakes are small. Small snowflakes added together become something big. Look for the small things. And I’m talking tiny things that bring you joy.
Right now, my three snowflakes are the smell of the camomile vanilla tea I am drinking, the love of the man laying in bed next to me, and remembering the laughter of my three children playing together the other night.
“Why the fuck am I not at the hospital with an epidural?”
That went through my head a few times during labor. Usually it was while I was going to the bathroom and I was alone. I would then follow up with:
“You are doing this for CJ.”
“You don’t want CJ to be in the hospital during this time.”
“You wanted to be home for the afterbirth.”
I did this for you.
Home I was. Snuggled in my bed sleeping without a nurse checking on me every couple of hours. Little Man spending a lot of time skin on skin with his Daddy next to me. I think we spent three days almost naked in bed.
Even though it was challenging to have a home birth there were so many positives. For one, I learned SO much more from my midwives than I did from the doctors when I was pregnant with my older two. I never felt pressured to do anything or made to feel stupid (with my first the doctor told the nurse I didn’t know what I was doing right in front of me with my legs spread why). I went so deep into my primal abilities, that nothing in the world mattered and instinct took over.
Active labor started at 1:00 am. My mom was over by 3:00 am. The midwives showed up about an hour or so later. I took a couple of baths to help me relax and even laid down in bed for a bit. I spent a lot of time standing, holding onto a sheet Chris hung from the pull-up bar.
“He has dimples!”
Side note, if you’re ever help a woman in labor breath slower, do not blow your breath directly into her face. Thanks for trying to help mom, thanks for stopping when freaked out, and thanks for laughing with me about now.
Things really got intense when I crawled onto the bed. That didn’t work because I was too exhausted my arms could not hold me up and when I put my head on the bed, my stomach touched my legs. That was a big HELL NO. Nothing could touch my torso during a contraction. I then crawled backwards and ended up with my knees on the floor and my upper body on the bed. Stephanie (midwife in training) said later she thought it was so beautiful how moved with what my body was telling me I needed.
The sun had risen, the window was open in mid-February to cool me off, and things progressed really fast. I yelled, “I don’t think I can do this.” Every one said you have this and Chris grabbed my hand. Later, Andrea (midwife) told me that’s when she knew delivery was really close by. She said every woman says that right at the end, even midwives giving birth for the fifth time.
My water broke (or I should say exploded out of me) at 7:38 am and Little Man was caught by his Daddy at 7:42 am.
Today I am grateful Chris was the first person to touch our son but at the time, I remember squeezing his hand. In my head I was saying “DON’T LET GO” but I was so far gone into my body, I couldn’t vocalize it. I laugh about how my mom had to pry my hand from Chris’s so she could take his place. And I remember hearing Chris yell out “Doctor Balke is ready!”
CJ came into this world, weighing in at 9 lb 10 oz and 22 inches long.
9 lb 10 oz and 22” long
My body is amazing and it knew exactly what to do. “I am my mother’s savage daughter.” Beautifully designed.
I feel like I keep going back and forth between the path I want to be on and the path I think others want me to be on.
As we grow up, there are so many people who influence our choices. It has been a challenge thinking about each choice and figuring out if I am making it because I truly want to make it or am I relying too much on the inner programing.
Deconstructing…an ongoing journey. – NikkyNicole
Deconstructing that programing has been an ongoing journey. Breaking down the pieces of me I thought I was, to reconnect with person I truly am.
It isn’t about finding yourself because yourself has been with you the whole time. It’s about letting go of who you are not, bit by bit.
NikkyNicole #mebeingme 